For holy tree huggers

Yes. I'm one of those. And this is what this crazy, raw milk drinking, solar powered, (gluten free) granola eater bought her hubby for Christmas. Now we are learning all about creation care. There is also an accompanying devotional I highly recommend.

http://greenletterbible.com/

Terrorism

I would like to personally thank the media for dubbing the Christmas day bomber the Underwear Bomber.

First let me say I feel for the passengers and crew of the flight, thank God for the malfunction that foiled his plans and the brave people who subdued him, and praise God that it ended the way it did.

But. If the purpose of terrorism is to terrify people then those plans have been foiled by the Underwear Bomber. I can't say it without laughing. My kids can't say it without laughing. My husband can't say it at all because he's laughing. Laughing is pretty far from terror on the emotion spectrum. I realize that this incident is serious, measures need to be taken to promote safety, that is no laughing matter. My message to the terrorists, wouldbes, and wannabes is:

EPIC FAIL! I am laughing at you!

USB Pet Rock from ThinkGeek

I love my pet rock. We're hanging out right now. It's the best pet ever.

Reflections on Family

Family is a rocky road. Sometimes you are blessed with a great one, sometimes you have to find your own. For me family is an amazing collection of people that God has cobbled together through birth and serendipity.

I love my biological family which is like a puzzle with several pieces missing. Those pieces have been lost in moves, chewed up by dogs, hidden out of spite, or accidentally thrown away. The gaps have been slowly filled over time by people brought into my life through marriages, common interests, difficult experiences, and what sometimes looks like dumb luck. The new pieces fit so nicely where I needed them to that it isn't possible that all of them were brought to me by accident.

There is so much beauty in the puzzle that is my family. The pieces are different colors, came from different families and yet they fit so perfectly.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

I felt like writing today but can't concentrate on anything with the excitement of Christmas and the mush my brain is from pounding out work last week.

My cure is writing personal stuff, so here it is.

This year has been a long, strange trip, but I have kept trucking. Silly I know but you expect nothing less of me. The strangeness has been that so many "bad" things have happened, but my family has weathered and come through united and happy. The economy stinks and the world is cranky but I am not most of the time.

I said a while back that I was looking for the wisdom to know the difference. I was referring to the Serenity Prayer.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

At the end of last year I was praying for serenity and received it. I finally learned to accept and submit to the fact that there are things in this universe that are far outside of my control and I learned to let go. After that it was easy for me to find the courage to change the things I could. Much harder was the wisdom to know the difference. I have been blessed with friends who have advised me on discernment and judgement. They have listened to me, guided me, and let me vent when I needed to. It's been like my personal 3 step program. Every day I have to work toward serenity, courage, and wisdom. Some days I don't find them all, but I know that tomorrow will be a new day. Breathe and accept and pray. Tomorrow is another chance to find these things and on very special days I get to share these things with others. Be their sponsor and support. Help them discern and give them courage. That has been the greatest blessing.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

The Gilded Sword

It strange to think in this age of information that there was a time when pens were scarce. Valuable tools belonging only to the rich literate. The poor might have pencils or quills, but a true mechanical pen was only for the wealthy. You don’t often hear of writers who grew up in poverty before Mr. Bic created true human equality with his disposable pens. Most in “poor” authors I know of were actually middle class authors whose parents lived beyond their means. One couldn’t move through the social classes easily. Either into them or out of them. The pen is the key to movement between them.
How many times in my life have I found myself in a department store or office supply store staring through the glass case, wondering who can afford to spend $100 on a pen? Surely never I. Perhaps 100 years ago I would have stood at a shop window and wondered the same thing. What an enormous sum. Yet 100 years ago I wouldn’t have had my extravagant $5 Pilot to fall back on. I would have been pen-less. So I find myself staring into a brightly lit glass box. A cage that is meant to keep me out. A wall between myself and the upper class.
The glass ceiling has been broken. We as women try to climb through it and are still trying to find our footing, but who notices the glass walls? Who notices that the glass walls separate the proletariat from the aristocracy. The glass walls that keep us from the gold pens. The glass walls at Macy’s that protect the face paint of the rich from the grimy hands of the social climber. The glass walls that enclose the showrooms full of the vehicles that set the successful apart from the unsuccessful at just a glance.
These symbols of success take on a glow when removed from their boxes and put to their purpose. The glow attracts us, sets apart the user. It lets us know where we stand. I have always wanted that glow. In some base, primal part of my soul I long for that glow. My egalitarian consciousness abhors it. I put those things in their proper place. And yet I find myself staring into those glass boxes. Time falls away as I wonder if I shall ever have that glorious writing instrument that I covet.

A Whine For Help

I feel like I have been complaining a lot lately. When I really look at it, try to find the reason I keep coming to one thing. I can't ask for help. So I complain.

Maybe I am hoping someone will just offer me the advice or help I am looking for. I will whine and some kind person will magically provide the prefect solution to my problem. It has happened. One day I whined on Facebook about wanting a soda and the world's best neighbor showed up at my door with a soda.

As connected as we are these days we seem to remain isolated. The problem obviously is not access. We are now more connected than ever, never mind the fragility with which those electrons hold us together. In my case at least the disconnect has to do with the idea that seeking help is a sign of weakness. If a person asks for help, whether it is physical or emotion then people will know they have weaknesses, and what they are. That makes one vulnerable. If you are open to help you are also open to hurt.

I know that this is ridiculous, but when has ridiculousness ever stopped me from doing anything. We all have our weaknesses. It could be ice cream, or the inability to say no. It could be that money stresses us out or that we are unable to submit to the responsibility of the life we have created. Maybe those are my weaknesses and I have to speak in the hypothetical to keep them at a distance.

Everyday I chip away a little bit of what I don't need. Today I don't need to be seen as a strong person (not that any of you think I am). I am a whole person with strengths and faults. You all knew that, but now I am ok with knowing that you know it.

The Venn Diagram

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a Venn diagram. My sons are two circles whose worlds overlap in the middle and that is where I am. Circle A and Circle B seem unaware of each other, except to notice that the other circle has some claim on me. I am so busy in the middle that the parts that aren't overlapping are completely neglected.

So there I sit in the middle of the Circles. We are all crying for completely different reasons. I have no idea what those reasons are, they are outside of the circle, so I can't attend to them now.

OH! That's what I was saying!

So the unitasking is coming along swimmingly. Multitasking seems to have been sucking away my creativity. The past few days I have been having ideas AND remembering them. I have finished my coffee every morning. I nearly have my kitchen cleaned. I have been interacting and having complete conversations with my kids.

As it turns out my Baby Huey can maintain a conversation, not just throw out adorable quips, but actual conversation. I feel horrible that I didn't know this, but today is the first day of the rest of my life, etc.

I have gained insight into myself, my life and others. Understanding a behavior makes it so much easier to change or improve. Thinking clearly is a must for all of that.

My posts for one of my other blogs have actually been purposeful and engaging.

I feel way less overwhelmed.

I am getting the same amount of stuff done, but with that little thing we like to call sanity left at the end of the day. I have even stopped dreading at night the 5 million things I have to do the next day. Sleep has been a bit better, and even my dreams are a bit more relevant.

The remarkable insight that I have gained is probably a little deeper than one likes to delve on a blog, but here goes: Photography is a subtractive art form. You use the frame to cut things out of the picture that you don't want. Sculpture is the same, you cut away the marble that isn't David and then you have a masterpiece. I have been living my life additively, which goes against my basic nature. I have decided to live subtractively. I will cut away everything that isn't Carli. Everything I have added on in my life trying to make it what I thought it should be is getting cut away. Rather than adding what I think will look good I am going to cut out the bad, the useless, the parts that go counter to who I am and what I believe. I hope to be left with a shiny new Carli, polished to near perfection, surrounded by my family, my friends, and the things that will make me and my life better.

To Multitask, or not to... What were we talking about?

I have decided to give up multitasking. It is an addiction I have come to realize. It will be hard. I am trying to go cold turkey. I have set a goal of 1 week without it. I think I can do it.

I realized that part of the reason I am so scatterbrained is because, well I am just scatterbrained, no way around it. Between Twitter, Facebook, and a whole mess of programs that require processing time I have allowed myself to multitask my way to gold fish status. I open a program, tweet while it loads, start it processing, run to load the washing machine, help my son with the potty, start another program, forget about the first program, realize I forgot to feed the kids, start the water for mac n cheese, run to throw the laundry in the dryer, remember that I forgot to start the computer program export, realize I didn't help my son wash his hands after the potty (EW), hear the ping of my inbox, answer an URGENT email, answer the phone, pull my arguing kids off of each other, realize that they are fighting because they are hungry, realize that the water has been boiling for who knows how long is half gone and I need to start a fresh pot of water...

Before I know it the day is gone, my children are barely fed, running around in their underwear, the laundry is barely started, and none of my work is done. Then I read that multitaskers tend to suck at multitasking. That would explain it.

So for one week I will try this experiment and see if I get more ACCOMPLISHED, and maybe my kids will be happier, and maybe I will be more sane. I multitasked very little today. I plan on not multitasking at all tomorrow. My mind is a little more clear.

We'll see.

Wandering through the fog

I feel as though I am wandering through limbo. I know I have to take a step, but can't remember which way to go, or why I was walking in the first place. I can execute a plan of attack, but I am not quite sure who the enemy is.

As my son gets older he seems to be getting younger. I would guess it is because I expect him to be growing up. All of the other kids his age are growing up. He gets taller, I have to buy him clothes as he outgrows his, he looks older. Still I wonder how many other parents are watching their 9 year old roll around on the ground screaming because he wants Kraft mac n cheese, not the kind I bought. He doesn't understand how big or strong he is. He can send his little brother flying without a thought. His tantrums take up so much room.

As I watched him flailing about today I started to see my life as a movie. The screams are drowned out by the building orchestra, I can hear the violins and see the scene dissolve into the meadow I would like to be in. Anywhere but here. But life isn't a movie and the dissolve doesn't last. It is back into my body. I have to shut the door and wait for the storm to pass. Then the sea regains calm and it looks as though there was never even a ripple on the placid pond.

Then it is back to deciding in which direction to wander. Through the limbo, through the fog.

Asperger's runs on it's own timeline. As much as I might like to plan the days and have them all laid out neatly they just move as they can. Events are planned, transitions enacted and you hope for the best. Maybe we will get there on time. Maybe we will get there. Maybe it will be back into the house and another try tomorrow. Maybe never.

Life is a roller coaster. I don't like roller coasters.

We met with the ASD specialist in Sacramento so we could learn what we already knew. J. now has an "official" diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, and I have a little more insight into my own mind.

J. knew why we were going to Sacramento, but in true fashion he refused to get out of the van once we parked. Once we assured him that he could take his backpack in all was well. The meeting felt like a job interview in bizarro world. The two youngest, prettiest psychiatrist in the world sat us down with very serious looks on their faces. I expected them to ask at any moment, "So, why would you like your son to have Asperger's, what do you think he would bring to the diagnosis?" I immediately began wondering why I felt that way. It was because I was afraid they were going to take my diagnosis away. Before last October when we saw the first round of experts we were just a weird family, with a weird kid and I was a horrible mom. After Asperger's was identified we were a family dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It had become our identity. Asperger's explained everything.

I was terrified I would have to go back to being the terrible mother with the tantruming child she couldn't or wouldn't control. It was all about me.

My husband Justin and I were asked questions, given forms to fill out, and lead into a room in which we could watch J. being evaluated through a one way mirror. Every parent should get to watch their child this way. He knew we were watching and kept waving at us, but eventually the novelty wore off and he got to his task of turning every conversation back to Transformers/Star Wars/Legos. He can turn the conversation without blinking, as if he never left it, because he never has. While you were talking about travel or family dynamic he was internally dialoging about his topic, politely waiting for his turn to talk. He then talks about his interest as if that is what the conversation is about. When his portion was done we took a break so the doctors could tally the score. We were convinced he won, not that it was a competition. He left the room glowing as if he had won a victory. He enjoyed his evaluation

as much as he enjoyed Disneyland.

I was nervous. I had seen his performance, his usual Aspie flavored self. We of course got what we had come for. Our "official diagnosis". And our folder of "resources". That folder answered the other question I had for myself. Why had I waited 9 months for the official diagnosis? That folder held page after page of resources that I knew I would have to fight for. I wasn't ready for that fight 9 months ago. Perhaps no one wants to face an uphill battle. Like it or not it is time to start climbing.

Here we go.

Aspie Stuff

Next week we are going to Ranch Cordova to see Kaiser's ASD specialist. They will evaluate my baby, measure his head, and who knows what else. I have been putting this off for a long time. When he was originally "diagnosed" last October by the county specialists I was totally overwhelmed. I thought we were dealing with a learning disability, and maybe some coordination issues and then I realized that Asperger's was "on the spectrum". That meant my baby had Autism Spectrum Disorder and the word Autism has terrified me since he was born. I was one of those "irrational" mothers that put off his MMR, then got it anyway. I was convinced he would be Autistic if he got the vaccine. I guess either way I was right.

Since he was 1 1/2 years old I had been asking his doctors to help me understand what was going on. Something wasn't right, but I had already proven myself irrational in the eyes of the doctors. He was 8 before anyone believed me enough to look. I feel like all of his teachers, doctors, and school administrators owed me an apology. What if I had lost all that time and he would be getting better instead of worse?

So I was right, now what?

I read books. I rearranged our entire existence. Sometimes things would be going so well I would forget. Then he'd have a tantrum. Then he would pull back into his world and be furious when anyone entered it. Then I would remember. As our younger son gets older and develops normally I see how vast the differences are between what should have been and what was. If J. had been my second born I would have seen and the doctors would have believed me.

So finally I am ready to see the specialists. Ready to know what I am up against. Ready to find out what to expect. Beyond that I don't know what we will get out of this. I just know I am ready to stop saying, "this isn't so bad, we can handle this". I am sure we can, but not without help or guidance. I hope we can get at least that.

meal planning, the sign of an optimist

I have attempted meal planning in the past. I made a menu for a months worth of meals, shopped to list, followed the plan. It was beautiful.

Then the month was over.

I haven't planned a single meal since. Every night my husband and I scramble around the kitchen trying to decided what to feed the kids. Many nights it is bathtime before we figure out what to do. Mom of the year.

Today I sat down and planned meals on my GOOGLE CALENDAR! Genius! I just set them to repeat every other week for eternity. I am planning to have some flexibility. I will allow my family to veto, or reshuffle. Even if I decide to go way off I will have this for a fall back. Maybe I'll get really ambitious and put together a grocery list that I can recycle. Maybe. Next week.

Those of you who know me know that this accomplishment alone might me the apex of my organizational skills. It is that big.

One cool side effect is that I can tell you what is for dinner on my 50th birthday. If I felt like looking it up. Who wants to see that far into the future anyway?

Take your son to work day.

I love my kids. Really. Some days...

I have to check myself constantly. Most of the time when I think my kids are being rotten it is because I have put them in a situation where they can't behave. They are overstimulated, under-stimulated, tired, hungry, whatever and I am expecting them to suck it up. I also forget that my children are two distinct individuals and just because my oldest could go to work with me at 3 years old DOESN'T mean my youngest can.

I test drove the portrait party concept today. A sort of open house photo session. One backdrop, just basic shots. Easy in and out. Right?

Baby Huey, my cartoon of a 3 year old started out bouncing around, sticking out his tongue, jumping in front of the camera. By the time the best neighbor in the world cam to rescue me he was literally shrieking. Needless to say I won't e doing that again. Both kids will go elsewhere next time.

Overall the open house portrait session worked. I'm planning one for September, then in October I will be hosting my annual "Howl at the Moon" Halloween photos. For November I am looking for a place to host it outdoors so we can get some family shots with Autumn leaves. If anyone out there knows of private property we can use let me know, with the owner's permission of course.

An Outlet

So the food and nutrition thing has been reintegrated into my life. I realized that if I try to separate it all out I will feel as thought I am running as different people in different races at the same time.

I am off the wheat. I feel better, I'm losing weight. Beyond that it is boring unless I am shopping. You never so someone so happy to see the letter "g" on a chocolate bar.

The business part of my life is finally swinging back toward balance since we moved into a new house. I now have a studio to itself and an office with a DOOR! I never realized that a physical barrier was so important to the psychology of the barrier. I now don't get sucked in to working when I am "off". I also realized that I am a full fledged "stay-at-work mom". For those of you who don't know what this means, I am working a full time job, from my house, with part time child care. It is hectic to say the least. 3 days a week I shut myself into the office or go out on location to a wedding. The rest of the time I spend stealing moments after the kids' bed time, or when hubby gets home.

I didn't really have much of a choice in the matter. My oldest son, as many of you know has Asperger's Syndrome. He's a genius who can't sit still, or stay on track. The sensory integration issues that go along with it make it difficult for him to be in a classroom, let alone learn in one. When your pediatrician, his teachers, and school administrators are telling you that homeschooling is the best option what else can you do?

all calories are not created equal

So in my quest for weight loss I was completely confounded. I was tracking my intake, increasing my activity, feeling worse and gaining weight. WHAT?

As I have shared I suspect food allergies. So I eliminated wheat and corn from my diet. BINGO! I have been gorging myself on gluten free and corn free product for a week and I am losing weight. The bloat is gone, my headaches are gone, my joint pain is gone and I am no longer the crankiest monster on the block. I've just been feeling my way through. I need to get a book so I can identify all of the gluten-y foods (they hide it everywhere I am told). If you know of any great books, blogs, recipes, or tips to share on the subject, please do.

Day... who really cares.

I have been frustrated by my apparent lack of ability to plan my meals and exercise. I have added to this a suspected food allergy. Make that a pantheon of food allergies. It started with my suspicions of corn. I was a very good girl, grabbed a bowl and ate a serving of tortilla chips, then proceeded to suffer through the usual bloat that accompanies the indulgence. Then the next day I indulged in some light microwave popcorn and suffered more. It then occurred to me that perhaps I shouldn't eat corn. I went online to check out the common knowledge about these things and discovered that a lot of the digestive experiences I have are actually symptoms. Raw almonds, bananas, and watermelons make me itch. Bread and paste makes me bloat. Then on to the other symptoms that go along with allergies to just about every food I enjoy.

What started as an effort to be healthier, cut calories, move more, is turning into an all out attack on my entire diet and everything I love. In the end I know I will feel better, my kids will be better off, since they have food allergies also, it does appear. Maybe it will turn out that I have only 2 or 3 allergies, rather than the 4 or 5 I suspect. I am at the end of the day and have avoided gluten et al as much as possible. The real effort will start after the next grocery odyssey.

Day 14 (?)

So I have completely lost track of what day I'm on. I am supposed to weigh today, but had a really long weekend and can't muster the courage. I did walk last week and have added more fruits and veggies to my intake. I also resisted the cupcake bar at Saturday's wedding and ate only half a slice of cake. That was the hardest. It was Sweet Dreams which is my absolute favorite wedding cake. The jeans are fitting better, I'm feeling better, that's what matters, right.

What I really need is one week that isn't crazy so that I can eat properly, write it down, exercise and get a great pay off to motivate me. I don't think that is very likely to happen. My only real option is to just learn to work within the craziness, or maybe get everything in order.

Day 8

I am behind on the posting. Ugh.

This week I lost 1/2 inch off my waist. I gained .2 lbs. Not bad, I'll take the shrinkage over the loss any day. I have been trying to track what I consume. I discovered that when you are photographing a wedding, drinking whatever you can just to stay hydrated, grabbing whatever you can to keep your blood sugar level, it is hard to make a note of things or remember what you ate. I instead tried to choose wisely. I only ate half a piece of cake. Quite an accomplishment.

I noticed that I have a tendency to eat too little early in the day, blow off lunch and then consume all of my calories for the day between 6 and 11 pm. I will try to change that this week. Not going so well thus far. I also find that when I am stressed I want junk food, nothing else, so I will eat nothing rather than making a healthy choice. What is up with that?

The good news is that the feeling of junk food withdrawal is passing. My blood sugar levels seem to be keeping more stable, which means I don't have the urge to destroy Tokyo if I miss a meal. I still feel the need for a new coping mechanism. I hate exercise, don't smoke, don't drink. What do you (besides eating) to cope with stress?

Day 4

I have started this series in a blog format, cause the note thing wasn't doing it for me. Besides, I could really use another blog, right?

Today I not only did well, but too well. I found late in the day that I had not consumed enough calories to keep the metabolism where it needed to be, so I punished myself with a SERVING of frozen yogurt. Life really stinks, doesn't it. I also did 30 minutes on the Wii Fit, which is an hour in real time. I am going to have to find some way to make the exercise more brief and effective. Although I do have to say nothing has been as motivating as watching my Mii overtake the trainer and fall face first. That silly, gigantic headed version of myself was just asking for it. That is probably some weird form of masochism.

I grocery shopped tonight and bought good health in Costco size. Luckily it is getting toward summer and the fruits I like are in season. I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow, so that may be a challenge.

Lay it on me. How is it going with you?