Wandering through the fog

I feel as though I am wandering through limbo. I know I have to take a step, but can't remember which way to go, or why I was walking in the first place. I can execute a plan of attack, but I am not quite sure who the enemy is.

As my son gets older he seems to be getting younger. I would guess it is because I expect him to be growing up. All of the other kids his age are growing up. He gets taller, I have to buy him clothes as he outgrows his, he looks older. Still I wonder how many other parents are watching their 9 year old roll around on the ground screaming because he wants Kraft mac n cheese, not the kind I bought. He doesn't understand how big or strong he is. He can send his little brother flying without a thought. His tantrums take up so much room.

As I watched him flailing about today I started to see my life as a movie. The screams are drowned out by the building orchestra, I can hear the violins and see the scene dissolve into the meadow I would like to be in. Anywhere but here. But life isn't a movie and the dissolve doesn't last. It is back into my body. I have to shut the door and wait for the storm to pass. Then the sea regains calm and it looks as though there was never even a ripple on the placid pond.

Then it is back to deciding in which direction to wander. Through the limbo, through the fog.

Asperger's runs on it's own timeline. As much as I might like to plan the days and have them all laid out neatly they just move as they can. Events are planned, transitions enacted and you hope for the best. Maybe we will get there on time. Maybe we will get there. Maybe it will be back into the house and another try tomorrow. Maybe never.