Aspie Stuff

Next week we are going to Ranch Cordova to see Kaiser's ASD specialist. They will evaluate my baby, measure his head, and who knows what else. I have been putting this off for a long time. When he was originally "diagnosed" last October by the county specialists I was totally overwhelmed. I thought we were dealing with a learning disability, and maybe some coordination issues and then I realized that Asperger's was "on the spectrum". That meant my baby had Autism Spectrum Disorder and the word Autism has terrified me since he was born. I was one of those "irrational" mothers that put off his MMR, then got it anyway. I was convinced he would be Autistic if he got the vaccine. I guess either way I was right.

Since he was 1 1/2 years old I had been asking his doctors to help me understand what was going on. Something wasn't right, but I had already proven myself irrational in the eyes of the doctors. He was 8 before anyone believed me enough to look. I feel like all of his teachers, doctors, and school administrators owed me an apology. What if I had lost all that time and he would be getting better instead of worse?

So I was right, now what?

I read books. I rearranged our entire existence. Sometimes things would be going so well I would forget. Then he'd have a tantrum. Then he would pull back into his world and be furious when anyone entered it. Then I would remember. As our younger son gets older and develops normally I see how vast the differences are between what should have been and what was. If J. had been my second born I would have seen and the doctors would have believed me.

So finally I am ready to see the specialists. Ready to know what I am up against. Ready to find out what to expect. Beyond that I don't know what we will get out of this. I just know I am ready to stop saying, "this isn't so bad, we can handle this". I am sure we can, but not without help or guidance. I hope we can get at least that.