Friday, August 28, 2009

OH! That's what I was saying!

So the unitasking is coming along swimmingly. Multitasking seems to have been sucking away my creativity. The past few days I have been having ideas AND remembering them. I have finished my coffee every morning. I nearly have my kitchen cleaned. I have been interacting and having complete conversations with my kids.

As it turns out my Baby Huey can maintain a conversation, not just throw out adorable quips, but actual conversation. I feel horrible that I didn't know this, but today is the first day of the rest of my life, etc.

I have gained insight into myself, my life and others. Understanding a behavior makes it so much easier to change or improve. Thinking clearly is a must for all of that.

My posts for one of my other blogs have actually been purposeful and engaging.

I feel way less overwhelmed.

I am getting the same amount of stuff done, but with that little thing we like to call sanity left at the end of the day. I have even stopped dreading at night the 5 million things I have to do the next day. Sleep has been a bit better, and even my dreams are a bit more relevant.

The remarkable insight that I have gained is probably a little deeper than one likes to delve on a blog, but here goes: Photography is a subtractive art form. You use the frame to cut things out of the picture that you don't want. Sculpture is the same, you cut away the marble that isn't David and then you have a masterpiece. I have been living my life additively, which goes against my basic nature. I have decided to live subtractively. I will cut away everything that isn't Carli. Everything I have added on in my life trying to make it what I thought it should be is getting cut away. Rather than adding what I think will look good I am going to cut out the bad, the useless, the parts that go counter to who I am and what I believe. I hope to be left with a shiny new Carli, polished to near perfection, surrounded by my family, my friends, and the things that will make me and my life better.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

To Multitask, or not to... What were we talking about?

I have decided to give up multitasking. It is an addiction I have come to realize. It will be hard. I am trying to go cold turkey. I have set a goal of 1 week without it. I think I can do it.

I realized that part of the reason I am so scatterbrained is because, well I am just scatterbrained, no way around it. Between Twitter, Facebook, and a whole mess of programs that require processing time I have allowed myself to multitask my way to gold fish status. I open a program, tweet while it loads, start it processing, run to load the washing machine, help my son with the potty, start another program, forget about the first program, realize I forgot to feed the kids, start the water for mac n cheese, run to throw the laundry in the dryer, remember that I forgot to start the computer program export, realize I didn't help my son wash his hands after the potty (EW), hear the ping of my inbox, answer an URGENT email, answer the phone, pull my arguing kids off of each other, realize that they are fighting because they are hungry, realize that the water has been boiling for who knows how long is half gone and I need to start a fresh pot of water...

Before I know it the day is gone, my children are barely fed, running around in their underwear, the laundry is barely started, and none of my work is done. Then I read that multitaskers tend to suck at multitasking. That would explain it.

So for one week I will try this experiment and see if I get more ACCOMPLISHED, and maybe my kids will be happier, and maybe I will be more sane. I multitasked very little today. I plan on not multitasking at all tomorrow. My mind is a little more clear.

We'll see.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Wandering through the fog

I feel as though I am wandering through limbo. I know I have to take a step, but can't remember which way to go, or why I was walking in the first place. I can execute a plan of attack, but I am not quite sure who the enemy is.

As my son gets older he seems to be getting younger. I would guess it is because I expect him to be growing up. All of the other kids his age are growing up. He gets taller, I have to buy him clothes as he outgrows his, he looks older. Still I wonder how many other parents are watching their 9 year old roll around on the ground screaming because he wants Kraft mac n cheese, not the kind I bought. He doesn't understand how big or strong he is. He can send his little brother flying without a thought. His tantrums take up so much room.

As I watched him flailing about today I started to see my life as a movie. The screams are drowned out by the building orchestra, I can hear the violins and see the scene dissolve into the meadow I would like to be in. Anywhere but here. But life isn't a movie and the dissolve doesn't last. It is back into my body. I have to shut the door and wait for the storm to pass. Then the sea regains calm and it looks as though there was never even a ripple on the placid pond.

Then it is back to deciding in which direction to wander. Through the limbo, through the fog.

Asperger's runs on it's own timeline. As much as I might like to plan the days and have them all laid out neatly they just move as they can. Events are planned, transitions enacted and you hope for the best. Maybe we will get there on time. Maybe we will get there. Maybe it will be back into the house and another try tomorrow. Maybe never.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Life is a roller coaster. I don't like roller coasters.

We met with the ASD specialist in Sacramento so we could learn what we already knew. J. now has an "official" diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, and I have a little more insight into my own mind.

J. knew why we were going to Sacramento, but in true fashion he refused to get out of the van once we parked. Once we assured him that he could take his backpack in all was well. The meeting felt like a job interview in bizarro world. The two youngest, prettiest psychiatrist in the world sat us down with very serious looks on their faces. I expected them to ask at any moment, "So, why would you like your son to have Asperger's, what do you think he would bring to the diagnosis?" I immediately began wondering why I felt that way. It was because I was afraid they were going to take my diagnosis away. Before last October when we saw the first round of experts we were just a weird family, with a weird kid and I was a horrible mom. After Asperger's was identified we were a family dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It had become our identity. Asperger's explained everything.

I was terrified I would have to go back to being the terrible mother with the tantruming child she couldn't or wouldn't control. It was all about me.

My husband Justin and I were asked questions, given forms to fill out, and lead into a room in which we could watch J. being evaluated through a one way mirror. Every parent should get to watch their child this way. He knew we were watching and kept waving at us, but eventually the novelty wore off and he got to his task of turning every conversation back to Transformers/Star Wars/Legos. He can turn the conversation without blinking, as if he never left it, because he never has. While you were talking about travel or family dynamic he was internally dialoging about his topic, politely waiting for his turn to talk. He then talks about his interest as if that is what the conversation is about. When his portion was done we took a break so the doctors could tally the score. We were convinced he won, not that it was a competition. He left the room glowing as if he had won a victory. He enjoyed his evaluation
as much as he enjoyed Disneyland.

I was nervous. I had seen his performance, his usual Aspie flavored self. We of course got what we had come for. Our "official diagnosis". And our folder of "resources". That folder answered the other question I had for myself. Why had I waited 9 months for the official diagnosis? That folder held page after page of resources that I knew I would have to fight for. I wasn't ready for that fight 9 months ago. Perhaps no one wants to face an uphill battle. Like it or not it is time to start climbing.

Here we go.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Aspie Stuff

Next week we are going to Ranch Cordova to see Kaiser's ASD specialist. They will evaluate my baby, measure his head, and who knows what else. I have been putting this off for a long time. When he was originally "diagnosed" last October by the county specialists I was totally overwhelmed. I thought we were dealing with a learning disability, and maybe some coordination issues and then I realized that Asperger's was "on the spectrum". That meant my baby had Autism Spectrum Disorder and the word Autism has terrified me since he was born. I was one of those "irrational" mothers that put off his MMR, then got it anyway. I was convinced he would be Autistic if he got the vaccine. I guess either way I was right.

Since he was 1 1/2 years old I had been asking his doctors to help me understand what was going on. Something wasn't right, but I had already proven myself irrational in the eyes of the doctors. He was 8 before anyone believed me enough to look. I feel like all of his teachers, doctors, and school administrators owed me an apology. What if I had lost all that time and he would be getting better instead of worse?

So I was right, now what?

I read books. I rearranged our entire existence. Sometimes things would be going so well I would forget. Then he'd have a tantrum. Then he would pull back into his world and be furious when anyone entered it. Then I would remember. As our younger son gets older and develops normally I see how vast the differences are between what should have been and what was. If J. had been my second born I would have seen and the doctors would have believed me.

So finally I am ready to see the specialists. Ready to know what I am up against. Ready to find out what to expect. Beyond that I don't know what we will get out of this. I just know I am ready to stop saying, "this isn't so bad, we can handle this". I am sure we can, but not without help or guidance. I hope we can get at least that.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

meal planning, the sign of an optimist

I have attempted meal planning in the past. I made a menu for a months worth of meals, shopped to list, followed the plan. It was beautiful.

Then the month was over.

I haven't planned a single meal since. Every night my husband and I scramble around the kitchen trying to decided what to feed the kids. Many nights it is bathtime before we figure out what to do. Mom of the year.

Today I sat down and planned meals on my GOOGLE CALENDAR! Genius! I just set them to repeat every other week for eternity. I am planning to have some flexibility. I will allow my family to veto, or reshuffle. Even if I decide to go way off I will have this for a fall back. Maybe I'll get really ambitious and put together a grocery list that I can recycle. Maybe. Next week.

Those of you who know me know that this accomplishment alone might me the apex of my organizational skills. It is that big.

One cool side effect is that I can tell you what is for dinner on my 50th birthday. If I felt like looking it up. Who wants to see that far into the future anyway?

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Take your son to work day.

I love my kids. Really. Some days...

I have to check myself constantly. Most of the time when I think my kids are being rotten it is because I have put them in a situation where they can't behave. They are overstimulated, under-stimulated, tired, hungry, whatever and I am expecting them to suck it up. I also forget that my children are two distinct individuals and just because my oldest could go to work with me at 3 years old DOESN'T mean my youngest can.

I test drove the portrait party concept today. A sort of open house photo session. One backdrop, just basic shots. Easy in and out. Right?

Baby Huey, my cartoon of a 3 year old started out bouncing around, sticking out his tongue, jumping in front of the camera. By the time the best neighbor in the world cam to rescue me he was literally shrieking. Needless to say I won't e doing that again. Both kids will go elsewhere next time.

Overall the open house portrait session worked. I'm planning one for September, then in October I will be hosting my annual "Howl at the Moon" Halloween photos. For November I am looking for a place to host it outdoors so we can get some family shots with Autumn leaves. If anyone out there knows of private property we can use let me know, with the owner's permission of course.