I learned a valuable lesson. I am not responsible. I can't save everyone. Sometimes you just have to give up.
I imagine trying to save a drowning swimmer who doesn't know they are drowning. They kick and fight and do everything to get you off of them. Maybe they even think you are the one trying to pull them under. At some point you have to give up or they will pull you down with them.
I am not responsible for the decisions of other people. I can't make them see what they don't want to see. I can't convince them of the truth if they have swallowed a lie whole. I can't follow them down a hole they chose themselves, especially if there is a chance I can't make it out myself.
I can still hold out hope for humanity. I can still believe that every drowning swimmer has the chance of rescue. I don't have to be the one to save everyone.
The most difficult part of learning a lesson like this is the old wounds it opens. My heart is broken. It turns out it has been broken for some time and every beat was painful. Over the years I have ignored the pain, it has healed over some, but like a broken bone that was not treated and must be reset the pain I feel at lifting and removing the scar tissue hurts as bad if not worse than the original injury.
From the outside my life looks that same. If I were to tell you what happened it would seem insignificant. That is how I learn. I bear the brunt of endless small injuries until I look back through history and see volumes of small offenses, the weight of which I can no longer bear. So I close the book. I begin on a fresh page and start the story from today, but the old volumes remain on the shelf where I can see them, just in case I need to be reminded of what can happen if I let it.
I am not a super hero. I am not the catcher in the rye.
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I think this may be the most brilliant 'blog entry I've read - seriously - not at all due to the pain expressed, simply for the truth in it. I especially like that metaphor about helping a drowning person. At that, I do believe that I've read something somehow similar, in regards to Kensho/enlightenment/nameless-formless-suchness in Buddhism. It didn't strike home to me, thought. This does.
ReplyDeleteHaving known some heartache, too, maybe I could like to compare notes - but, perhaps I'm only a stranger, one who thought to say how he feels, upon reading this, your 'blog entry. Former BHS '95 alum, though, if that counts ><
I think vacationing can help, when it comes to getting over some things and generally having a lot of fun - speaking by some very recent experience, in fact. Some camping, and/or some nights at a hotel, going out on some cultural sight-seeing and generally spending time away from any standing concern, I think it can do the heart some genuine good.
Hey, here's to the next book! >< Cheers.