bad moms

Recently in Fresno there was a woman arrested for drowning her 2 month old baby, and planning to drown her other children.  When I heard that my first thought was, "that poor woman."  How tortured must you be to come to the point where that seems like the best option. I don't know much about her story.  I heard she was being housed in the hotel where it happened because of a domestic abuse situation.  On the news channel's Facebook page people commented with horrible attacks on her.

All I can do is pray for her.

Maybe she's not evil, maybe she is a woman who is so desperate, so devastated that ending her children's life was the best option in her mind.  Maybe she was protecting her children from what she thought would be a life of endless abuse.  We don't know.

What I do know that women with 2 month old babies are sleep deprived and prone to postpartum depression.  Add to that the stress of being a very young woman with two other young children, in a hotel room, who has suffered domestic abuse.  Should we assume this woman is an evil murderer?  I personally have decided to pray for this woman.  To send love and peace her way.  To hope that she can come from the dark place in the world that led her to believe that this was an option.

The next time you hear about a bad mother stop and think.  Before you judge her for not doing what you would have done try to understand why she did what she did.  Did she feel worthless, hopeless, backed into a corner?  Who was there for her?  Who saw that she needed help and didn't help her?  Now look around and make sure there are no mothers in your life who feel that way.  If there are then have the courage to reach out to her.  She may need you far more than you know, and these days are villages are silent.  If you are that mom then reach out, now matter how small your troubles seem to you.  There is another mother out there who will understand and help you.

what is up with me?

I haven't been writing.  I was in denial about not writing.  One day I just stopped.  I finally figured out the cause.  It is directly related to the way I process.  I have been processing internally.  It is unusual for me.  Normally I talk and write and follow anyone who will listen around processing everything out loud.  My decision making, my spiritual journey, me creative process.  I write out my frustrations, my triumph, my discoveries and put it all out for everyone to witness.

Then one day I decided I wanted to be a better listener.

I started processing everything on the inside.  Hoping things would come to me.  Reading and searching.  I did not notice this happening.  I was withdrawing and stuffing everything down.  Including ice cream.

I came out of the fog to an enormous mess.  Laundry to catch up on, work to catch up on, friends to catch up with, and a brand new pants size (not in the desirable direction).  I did not emerge from the fog slowly.  I burst out of it with an "oh! crap!"  Actually it was stronger than that, but I have edited it for you.

So here we are.  I am feeling pretty good.  The path ahead is not completely clear, but I have a roadmap.  I don't know where I will end up, but at least I know where I want to go.

focus

I am a photographer, so please excuse the metaphor, but the high points of my life are like photographs.  Crystal clear moments when the composition is perfect and all of the right things are in focus.  If you have never used manual focus on a camera you should.  It is a different experience.  When light passes through an aperture it creates an image in light on the focal plane (that's where the film sits in a camera).  The image is upside down and backward and very blurry.  The blur is caused by an effect called circles of confusion.  A lens is required to focus those circles of confusion into a clear image.  Looking through an unfocused lens gives you only a hint of what you are about to see.  As you turn the barrel of the lens trying to line up the focus target the images becomes clearer.  The focus comes closer.  You feel a sense of anticipation, the image is coming together.

Right now I am living that moment.  The moment before.  The image is coming clear, the elements are in place and any second it will be time to press the shutter release.

Sometimes we wander through life seeing nothing but circles of confusion.  We have to select the right lens to bring things into clear focus.  There are many glass elements to every lens, all cut in different shapes, working together to bring clarity, let in the right amount of light, and crop out what you don't need in your photograph.

I finally feel like my Aspie son is in the right school, heading in the right direction, learning and growing.

Our family has found a church close to home where we immediately felt truly welcome.

My marriage is as strong as it has ever been and I am so happy in it.

My business and career is on a settled, clear path.

I have supporting loving friends with whom I can be open, honest, provide mutual support.  We all have differences and accept and encourage each other in our own paths.

These elements are in place and I can see the future coming clear.  Soon I will exhale and press the shutter.