Happy Birthday to ME

I received the greatest present this year.  Not just for my birthday, but a true life gift.  I was surrounded by love in my home and from afar.  I was ushered in to this next year of life by people I love, respect, and aspire to be like.  I saw that I have acquired a family of amazing individuals who live their lives with integrity, are committed to seeing to the welfare of others, have clear purpose in their life, and are unguarded in sharing their love and affection.  Real true people who are flawed, imperfect creations.  People who accept and love other human beings in spite of and sometimes because of their flaws.  I know and have had proven to me that whatever God puts (or allows to fall) into my path I will be supported, uplifted and even carried along by people who believe in me.

My life is a trust fall and this week I landed blindly and safely in the arms of many.

Thanks to all of you.

Under the Weather

Flat on my back is more like it.

I had my wisdom teeth out.   Let me warn you that if you have this procedure past the age of 21 you will hear more times than you'd like "aren't you a little old for that?"  Well, yes thanks for noticing.  You will also find that the surgery has in common with childbirth and kidney stones, the universal need by survivors to share their horror stories.   The message from everyone I have encounter is universal:

You are old and as bad as things are they are going to get worse.

To be honest it wasn't that bad.   I did get dry sockets, but didn't have a horrible experience with them.   I got very ill, but it was due to the cosmic scale coincidence of getting an unrelated infection on the same day as the procedure.  If I got the infection from the dentist let's just say that I would be set for life when the trial concluded.

After a trip to the doctor, blood work, peeing in a cup, etc. the problem was identified.   I either have a bladder infection and they prescribed Cipro for it, or I have Anthrax and everyone is afraid to tell me.  I have been throwing back shots of 100% cranberry juice and I am guessing by the success of that that my infection is in fact located in my bladder and not the result of terrorism or close contact with livestock.

I ended up spending a week longer in bed than I had anticipated.  I am now on the mend, but still get worn out pretty easily.  I feel just well enough to be bored, but not well enough to do anything about it.

On the plus side I updated my website, added new products and services, watched all of the Netflix streaming 19th century drama/romances worth watching, and feel a renewed kinship with my stay-at-home moms on Facebook.

warning! Jesus stuff!

I wrote this the other day and hubby insisted that I share.  He said I needed to give it to the world.  I am only open for debate, not argument.


God was always there.  God always spoke to those who listened.  When people would not (or could not) listen he gave us Jesus.  God transformed Himself from a being whose face we could not behold into flesh and blood.  Jesus had a face, a personality, breath.  Jesus was sent to the world for the world.  He came for everyone, but He spent his time with special people.  The chosen people of Jesus were beggars, lepers, prostitutes, and tax collectors.  People who were unclean.  People who had betrayed their own people, their friends and themselves.  He came to them not with words.  He came not with advice.  He came with action.  He touched.  He healed.  He lifted the burdens.  He asked nothing of them.

Jesus isn’t someone you can understand by memorizing Bible verses.  You find Him broken down on the side of the road.  You find Him in prison.  You find Him in back alleys and soup kitchens.  You find Him in sorrow and grief.  When you find Him you realize that it is not Him you are reaching out to, but Him who is reaching out through you.  That is how you find Jesus.  He does not come to you.  Don’t wait for Him.  You must go out and seek to find Him.

Those who need Him wait for you.  They are in the dark.  They are alone and scared and empty.  They don’t need Bible verses.  They need you hands to lift them, arms to hold them and shoulders to carry their burdens.

bad moms

Recently in Fresno there was a woman arrested for drowning her 2 month old baby, and planning to drown her other children.  When I heard that my first thought was, "that poor woman."  How tortured must you be to come to the point where that seems like the best option. I don't know much about her story.  I heard she was being housed in the hotel where it happened because of a domestic abuse situation.  On the news channel's Facebook page people commented with horrible attacks on her.

All I can do is pray for her.

Maybe she's not evil, maybe she is a woman who is so desperate, so devastated that ending her children's life was the best option in her mind.  Maybe she was protecting her children from what she thought would be a life of endless abuse.  We don't know.

What I do know that women with 2 month old babies are sleep deprived and prone to postpartum depression.  Add to that the stress of being a very young woman with two other young children, in a hotel room, who has suffered domestic abuse.  Should we assume this woman is an evil murderer?  I personally have decided to pray for this woman.  To send love and peace her way.  To hope that she can come from the dark place in the world that led her to believe that this was an option.

The next time you hear about a bad mother stop and think.  Before you judge her for not doing what you would have done try to understand why she did what she did.  Did she feel worthless, hopeless, backed into a corner?  Who was there for her?  Who saw that she needed help and didn't help her?  Now look around and make sure there are no mothers in your life who feel that way.  If there are then have the courage to reach out to her.  She may need you far more than you know, and these days are villages are silent.  If you are that mom then reach out, now matter how small your troubles seem to you.  There is another mother out there who will understand and help you.

what is up with me?

I haven't been writing.  I was in denial about not writing.  One day I just stopped.  I finally figured out the cause.  It is directly related to the way I process.  I have been processing internally.  It is unusual for me.  Normally I talk and write and follow anyone who will listen around processing everything out loud.  My decision making, my spiritual journey, me creative process.  I write out my frustrations, my triumph, my discoveries and put it all out for everyone to witness.

Then one day I decided I wanted to be a better listener.

I started processing everything on the inside.  Hoping things would come to me.  Reading and searching.  I did not notice this happening.  I was withdrawing and stuffing everything down.  Including ice cream.

I came out of the fog to an enormous mess.  Laundry to catch up on, work to catch up on, friends to catch up with, and a brand new pants size (not in the desirable direction).  I did not emerge from the fog slowly.  I burst out of it with an "oh! crap!"  Actually it was stronger than that, but I have edited it for you.

So here we are.  I am feeling pretty good.  The path ahead is not completely clear, but I have a roadmap.  I don't know where I will end up, but at least I know where I want to go.

focus

I am a photographer, so please excuse the metaphor, but the high points of my life are like photographs.  Crystal clear moments when the composition is perfect and all of the right things are in focus.  If you have never used manual focus on a camera you should.  It is a different experience.  When light passes through an aperture it creates an image in light on the focal plane (that's where the film sits in a camera).  The image is upside down and backward and very blurry.  The blur is caused by an effect called circles of confusion.  A lens is required to focus those circles of confusion into a clear image.  Looking through an unfocused lens gives you only a hint of what you are about to see.  As you turn the barrel of the lens trying to line up the focus target the images becomes clearer.  The focus comes closer.  You feel a sense of anticipation, the image is coming together.

Right now I am living that moment.  The moment before.  The image is coming clear, the elements are in place and any second it will be time to press the shutter release.

Sometimes we wander through life seeing nothing but circles of confusion.  We have to select the right lens to bring things into clear focus.  There are many glass elements to every lens, all cut in different shapes, working together to bring clarity, let in the right amount of light, and crop out what you don't need in your photograph.

I finally feel like my Aspie son is in the right school, heading in the right direction, learning and growing.

Our family has found a church close to home where we immediately felt truly welcome.

My marriage is as strong as it has ever been and I am so happy in it.

My business and career is on a settled, clear path.

I have supporting loving friends with whom I can be open, honest, provide mutual support.  We all have differences and accept and encourage each other in our own paths.

These elements are in place and I can see the future coming clear.  Soon I will exhale and press the shutter.

Sorry, Pluto

Every time I hear or read about Pluto I have this scene run through my mind.  Let me set the stage:

Pluto has always been a bit of a loner, out there on the edge, no one really understands him. He knows he's different, he just doesn't know why.  Even within his own family, the Solar System he's never fit in.  Not quite gaseous like his big brothers, not quite as terrestrial as his sisters.  Then one day the sun sits him down.

"You're not like your brothers and sisters," she says.  For the purposes of my fantasy the sun is feminine, read in what you will.

"What do you mean," Pluto says, but sensing that what he's always known is about to be confirmed.

"Well, I don't quite know how to put this, but your not a planet."
"But, then... what am I?"
"Heck if I know, we were a happy little family, then we found you on the doorstep and didn't quite know what to do with you.  It looks like we prematurely slapped a label on you, and boy aren't we embarrassed.  Don't feel too bad, millions of people, generations have just found out that one of the fats of their life was totally wrong and now are questioning everything they ever learned.  Boy do they feel lied to.  Don't be like them, they're gonna have trouble letting it go.  You need to suck it up and get over it.  Don't worry.  I've packed your bags for you.  Good luck.  I'd say we'll miss you, but that's not likely."

Cut to a forlorn Pluto standing on the front porch of the only reality he's ever known, with his back to the door, wondering if he will be missed.

I am having trouble letting go.  Pluto, you'll always be a planet to me.